a little Xtra

i'm crazy, i penned this song this morning when i was supposed to be STUDYING. bloody hell. but hey, ti's kinky sounded, yeah, know the droning type of songs.. don't like it as much as " since you went away" but it's something else for me to strum around and yoddle to. so hell. and it' s a hell lot better than almost getting drunk on the last day of school. bloody hell.. silly me, my pbl class had a party during lesson, seomoen popped champagne and i drank it. i was feeling pretty out there towards the end of the class.. coudln't make sense of the words on the board. Managed to stumble to the lib and sink into a chair. Stupid move man.. i was wondering how was going to study that day b4 i plonked on the desk and Zzzzed. lucky i was functional after that. geez. wat's gotten intot me.

DIARY

Chorus: i Turn back the pages of my diary
I read about the times we shared
I laughed when I remember how i loved you so
it's crazy how fast things change and how things go..

It seem slike just yesterday,
you had your arms around me
and you were telling me you loved me so
next thing i knew i was alone again
and hurting so bad
coz you took everything away
... everything away

You didnt' even say goodbye,
you just walked out of my life, too scared to face the mess you left behind
NOw my love for you has faded
like those flowers you gave me for my birhtday,
that have withered and now thoroughly dried
...withered and now thoroughly dried

brideg:
I dont' feel regret
I have bigger things in life that i 'd like to get at
It's funny how my heart now tells me that' it's empty,
But ti's ready for a hell lot more than You.

quite funny, i was so bored with studying, i started reading this book which has been sitting on my book shelf for ages and ages. " HOw to live wihtout Fear and Worry" by K. Sri Dhammananda.. and i chanced upon this...

breaking up

In any love relationship, there is always teh possiblity of breaking up. A relationship which was like a dream had turned sour and the parites involved could see the split coming. in the breakup ofa relationship there is pain, esp. when one's emotionas are all tied up in knots. emotional knots have to be cutsonner or later, and each time tehey are cut the parties involved bleed a little. One should accept the fact that for some time, one will be subjected to sharp fluactuations in emotions. memories of things said or done could suddenly arise and fill one with a flood of emotions.

At first, there will be shock. One will find it hard to believe that the breakup has really happneded. One has a find a way to face teh loneliness of being alone. But even this will go away eventually. it is not going to go way in a day or a week; it will take time but it will go away. try to live one day at a time. don't think about the past or worry too mcuha bout the future. Living one day a ta time will help one in tiding over the worst days.

One may enjoy some gain, but for every gain there is also the danger of loss. this is true for fame, praise and happiness, which have the risk of their negative counterparts, namely defame, blame and pain, arising. However, the occurrence of every negative condition carreies also the hope that things will change for the better. A loss can set teh foundations for future gain, pain can turn into happiness. SUch is the instabilty of worldly conditions. And the affair of the heart, being subject to wordly conditions, is no differet. A love between 1 persons can grow into something deep andmatured, fed by selfless giving, mutual respect and sharing. It can also turn sour when teh parties invovled become careless with one another or when conditions change through no one's fault.

ONe way to find solace for your mental agony or frustration is to understand teh degree of your own sufferings nad difficulties with that experieince by others. Recap why you have gone through b4 under similar or worse circumstances and how you have, through your patience and efforts, been able to surmount your then seemingly difficulties...

kinky eh? funny reading this tho'.. coz i've read another book by this author b4 and he didn't seem like a guy who would discuss this issue.but then again, the other book was " what buddhist believe" so erm. self explainatory :) i wonder how he actually got insight into this. but interesting how he managed to summurise it all in a couple of pages. Seems a little belitteling to put so many emotions on a couple of pages. ( but as xl would say, hey.. it's a bunch of neurotransmitterS!!!!") There was also something about crushes.. i'll put it in next time.. LOL. quite funny.. :) but nonetheless.. true.

Right. first no electricity.. now no water... crap. stupid water works. they dont even give warning..

just crashed some groups anat tute.. WHY DIDN"T ANYONE TELL ME THERE WAS A CUTE HUNK ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BOARD.. geez..
ok. when i wasn't spacing out oggling at that cute anat tutor.. i was .. just spacing out.

my brain 's dead.

OMG> i didn't know that obstetrics just happlily sliced at the women's vagina during childbirth w/o a nerve block. i mean, yeah, my mom did mention smth like that, but i didn't believe her. IT"S INHUMAN. heeelooooo..

SLice and dice.

guys are inhumane. no you don't have to go through child birht, how the hell did you come tot eh conclusion that the woman 's in such pain, a little more won't matter anyway.

had dinner at chilli padi with teh gang yesterday.. introed CS ( nOT CX) wrongly.. SORRY SORRY housemate.. i swear.. i won't get it wrong again.. put down that knife pls pls pls!!!!! :)
had fun :) hai.. last gathering 2gether pre exam.. so sad :(


MENace

Had a lecture on guys' health yesterday. quite true and funny. guys absolutely shy away from seeing doc. Actually who defined how a guy should act or how a gal should act anyway? the lecturer was giving a good imitation of a testostorone charged exchanged between dudes. hoho.. it's kinda wierd if you think about it.. my mom always tells me to act more like a gal. What do you define as a girlie behaviour anyway? flinging your ponytail around ( and smackign everyon'e face in the process?) .. I know pple define guys who flick their wrists around as sissified.. but i think of gals doing teh same thing and it absolutely repulses me. Shaking your ass while walking seems like a turn off to me too.. i dunno.. mebbe coz i'm a gal. it seems to turn the guys on. Seriously, who set these rules saying that guys had to walk stomping around, while gals had to catwalk around. or that gals have to be so called more poised with their actions ( and flinging their hair around) , while guys can get away with sitting iwth theri legs wide open ( look no sex here ok? i'm clean minded for once) or crossing their legs and looking like a barbarian .The lecturer was pretty so called bapok himself. lz thot he was gay at first.. ( a quick speech about his kids dispelled that belief) but hey... why can't guys act more so called sissified? Why can't i go bounding down teh stairs in my prom dress.. ( yez, mommy. i'll walk)
why do i have to lower my voice to a more "lady like tone".. why can't i curse and swear when teh guys do it?
male and female behaviour? is it innately programmed? so are those guys who flick their wrists around innately programmed to do that? or conditioned. if it's natural, why iz it stigmatised? it's queer ain't it? ( oh yeah, queer eye for a straight guy... check out the wrists flicks)
then again, or the super ultra feminen gals entitled to unlimitless hair flicking. I say this, because i got smacked in teh face by a mane of crowning glory.
or so,..why are the gals who stomp aroudn ( me included) called unladylike. yeah, i know ppl ecall me mister tan. but hey.. i'm straight ok? ( i think) i can see lz rolling her eyes.. mebbe i'ts the skirt that sets the boundaries for stomping. not a pretty eyeful. but in pants/??

ok. i'm crapping .i'll stop

but one thing for sure was the photo with the man's remote control. 2 buttons.

SEX and FOOD.

i agree with teh lecturer on that one.

Lemon aids

besides the fact that i'm utterly depressed over a stupid grade i just received... i just had a fantastic lecture by this ultra cool dude called Roger Short. he' the guy who pioneered the discovery that lemon juice can kill teh AIDS virus. I first heard of him when one of my temple mates approached me to ask if i wanted to participate in a trial of testing out the lemon juice. I was like.. erm.. lemon juice + sex??? er... no. ( by the way, no sex was involved in teh trial, i was thinking too far off.. usual me)

Never heard of this dude again.. till now. I"ve heard of his legendary lecture, but man... i was utterly blown off by this guy's passion for his work. I think each and every medknob ( accept for the idiot reading the age in teh front row) walked out feeling really really inspired to join the fight against aids.. or to help out at teh developing world.It kinda made me renew my dream to go and work in a dev. nation in the future :)


""A Melbourne scientist, Professor Roger V.Short, the Wexler Professorial Fellow, Department of Obstetrics & Gynaecology of the University of Melbourne at the Royal Women's Hospital in Melbourne has made the dramatic discovery that the juice of the lemon kills HIV in the test tube! Human trials are soon to get underway in Thailand."

http://www.aids.net.au/lemons-intro.htm

I guess it was inspiring because he made us realised that even as med students. we could go out there and help with teh fight against AIDs, and then lecture he gave was actualy delivered in USA just the previous week. It was awesome. for the first time in my life.. i saw how AIDs came about.. how it was spread.

IT is actually an innocuous virus in chimps.. ANd it was transfered to man in the dense forests of africa when a hunter probably accidnetally cut himself while skinning a chimp he had caught. Well.. that would ahve been alright if it was contained in the isolated village where he came from.. but nooooo. the greedy log industry started fellinga ll the trees.. in came the workers.. out went the condoms.. and out came AIDs.. Hai.. there we go again.. men and sex.. that's the reason why AIDs is afflicting so many pple in the world. Juz coz a couple of workers had their brains in their dicks.

Despite the enormous pubilicty of AIDs, hardly anything is being done to help where aid is most needed.. in the devlpoing nations.. where the disease is ravaging the populations in millions.

But here are some interesting bits

GUYS .. GET THAT FORESKIN SLICED OFF.. it spreads AIDS.. the inner layer of the foreskin, which inverts inside out during eraction is like a magnet for the HIV virus.. The outer layer, which has a layer of keratin on it, prevents penetration of the virus into the body system

( at thi spoint, we had free porno in the lecture coz our prim and proper lecturer couldn't find a better pictures. LOL.. it really pollutes your mind man.. as lzfound out later when we were staring at this flower which had a very very unique shape .. let's just say the appreciation session ended by a comment from me)


For the ladies.. nah.. we don't suggest slicing your vagina skin off ( tho' thats the equivalent of the foreskin) .. but inserting a OCP pill up your vagina will help keratinise it and prevent aids from getting through. too bad the selfish drug company manufacturing the pills is too haughty to help out expand this research area because " they don'[t wanna get their name soiled by associating their product with AIDS." welll.. Newss flaaaaash.. take a look at the pple dying round the world and see if you can say that agian with a clear conscience.


Did you know that breast feeding helps prevent the spread of AIDS from mother to child if and ONLY IF the mother is exclusively breast feeding the kid and not giving cow's milk.


I think the point that really touched my heart was the picture of a frail, shrivelled hand of a child dying of AIDs resting in the palm of another hand.



"think simple, simply think"

ROger SHort

Baby when the lights go out.

one dark cloudy saturday evening
I was poring over the 11 page nightmare of the synopsis when the lights gave a flicker. I glared at the overhead light irritably, then leaned back and continued scrutinizing the pic of the sperm in front of me. The lights contemptously interrupted my concentration with another flicker and then i was plunged uncermoniously into darkness.

I groaned and trudged to teh kitchen> being one of the vertically challenged, i had to pop myself onto a chair to reach the circuit. The switch wasn't tripped. Bloody hell. external prob. Then lights then came back on. I sighed, returned to my room and continued reading the sperm. Then J9 and cx came back and the lights merrily went off again. cx was saying," er.. mebbe it's just me."

sorry to give crush his ego, but no.. it wasn't him. j9 and i groped around int eh descending darkenss for candles. a quick check outside told us that the problem was isolated to our unit only. I called angel for the thomson no. and managed to reach the 24 hour repair unit.. or so i thot. THe person on teh line was so bloody unhelpful.

" we can only page the electrician, we don't know how long it's gonna take"

I think i called the lady like 3 times, asking wat time the dude was gonna show. It was really relaly dark by then and j9 and i started making plans to evacuate. BLoody ozzies, knowing them, the electrician on call was probably drinking himself silly in the pub.

sigh, so much for the big plan to cover lotsa studying int eh weekned. holy cow.

Thanks aiai, char and lz for putting me up, would be sleepin gin princess park if it weren't for them.
I finished up studying fertilization at their place.

next morning

damn zombiefied. dman stressed. woke up at 5.30am..

rang teh stupid 24 hour line again and demanded to konw why the electriican didn't show at all the prev night. i was relaly really pissed. i think the lady was pissed at me too for ringing again and again. but BLOODY HELL. this is electricity ok??? it's listed as URGENT MATTER in the rent agreement. i've to STUDY my food is all ROTTING .

damn stressed. super pissed. nothing else to do but wait and pray..

well... as the diamond sutra stated... conditions do have a way of turning aroudn real fast..

the agent called and apologised .. apparently teh call center never put our pages thru.. only the last one went through. She was pretty mortified that we spent the night w/o electricity. In a flash, the everything was settled.. the electrician came and changed the fuse.. END of story and i betcha by the sounds of it, the ppl at the call center were gonna get it.

Whew, neway, didn't get much studying done. Had a stomach upset for the rest of sunday.. plus cramps. so basically spent the day curled up in bed wishing the medicine would hurry up and take effect. wat a combi to have.


hai.. that's my weekend

really lousy. but i guess it' s one of those experience that help strenghten you and help you grow.

... " i'll show you wat it's all about"
monday in school

yez, after week sof anticipation.. pbl was finally about my fav topic.. oh yeah.. SEX. besides everyone giggling and guffawing at teh ridiculous qn we had to ask the pts, and the ridiculous hypothesis and the very very interesting history of the pt.... mark was showing us how they measured ball size.. pretty interesting.. hwahaha.a..

rounded up by a a very very entertaining lecturer on old age and conditions.. wah. this guy should be a comedian. he turned a boring sounding lecture into a laugh fest.

Can't take it no more..

sunday,
sunshine
gonna keel over. *gasp*

i'm utterly incapacitated. ok. my brain is at least. lousy flu. i'm not sick enough to have an excuse to sleep, but oh boy oh boy, my head is juz throbbing like anything and i super lethargic. this is so crap. can't taste nethin either. no appetite. but have to shove food down or gastric will strike. eek. it's really relaly crappy. haha.. if not than i've the perfect excuse to try to lose weight but nooooo.. i still have to choke something down.

so here i am on this gorgeous sunday, huddled on my desk, too tired to make my usual pilgrimage to teh library to mug. My rev is happily stagnating. tomolo's the test.. so gonna screw it too manz. i really wonder how much i've been reading actually stayed in my brain. nooooooooooooo.. this sem is scred



Lz.. i took teh quiz.. here are my results. LOL. quite funny.

20 Questions to a Better Relationship
eXpressive: 4/10Practical: 6/10Physical: 2/10Giver: 3/10
You are a RPIT--Reserved Practical Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Love Geek.Heh heh -- you love geek! You are weirdly sexy. It doesn't take people a long time to get to know you, but people *think* it takes a long time, because you are as cool and regulated after a year as you are on a first meeting. You don't tend to date casually -- you just suddenly find yourself in long term relationships. Your approach to conflict is your greatest asset -- it complements almost every other type. You don't express yourself or your feelings in dramatic terms, but you will speak up to those who do. You are generally calm, but capable of ramping up, and you don't give up until the issue is resolved -- this means even the hottest temper or coolest conflict-avoider can feel comfortable pursuing their satisfaction with you. And you don't hold a grudge -- you get through it, and it's done. You rock. Sure, you like the sex. And you communicate with your partner well, so you're good at it. But it's not something you would make jokes about or bring up in polite company (not that you don't appreciate that kind of humor). You're no prude, but that's just not your style. You'd make an excellent parent. .Of the 133399 people who have taken this quiz, 5.4 % are this type.

"equality within the midst of inequality is true equality."

Every has the same Buddha nature within and the same potential. but your actions create karma which give rise to cause and conditions that diverge your path, differentiating it from other people's ( inequality) .. but truly, beneath it all you are all equal.

just read a rather insensitive comment about my faith. Well, actually, not only about Buddhism, but it was rather pointedly aimed at other religions too. Well, i was rather peeved at first, but then I chewed on it for a while. it was quite useless getting angry. I'm just disaapointed of the lack of respect some pple have for other faiths. CX is right, pple believe wate3ver they wanna believe. I guess you can question other faiths you chose not to accept, but making baseless remarks and poking fun at other faiths w/o full understanding of them is really not the way to go. i've probably stated this time and agian.. all faiths are beautiful as long as teh guide you along the right path and benefit mankind. Buddhism accepts and supports all faiths. .. such is the compassionate and accepting nature of the Buddha and the universality of the Dharma.

This is already the 2nd time i'm facing this kinda attack. The 1st time which was a right- in -my -face barrage got me really really upset. but i've learnt that this kinda suffering for me was uncalled for. I had to let go of my attachment for my desire for other ppl to have the same view as me.

disharmony between views and oneself - ( part of the 3rd noble truth)

I just have to accept that and rejoice in the fact that i've had the good inner fortune to come by the Buddha's teachings and see the benefits it will bring to me.

anyway, juz to correct that erroneous view that i came across. yeah, we Buddhist do believe we are masters of our own fate. The comment was .. because we claim the above, should we ever be faced with an adversity so great , that all seems hopeless, we would have no one to turn to, coz the Buddha can't intervene and help us. Well, yez and no. We do pray to the Buddha in times of hardships, but it's not to ask for help, but to give us the inner strength and wisdom to seek a way out of the problem. It's like being in the library amidst thousands of books and asking teh librarian to help you locate the right one. The conditions are everchanging, the situation will change and it's up to you to harness the right conditions and get yourself out of the bind. First, you acknowledge and accept your ripened bad karma. ying ming4. By not resisting this karma, you will not exhaust yourself with denial , but NOTE this doesn't mean you give up all togehter.. because by acknowledging your situation, you can now see clearly where you should be heading and start of in the right direciton to rectify the situation. You can't just ask for a miracle and shou zu dai tu and wait for something to pop up. Yez, we are our own masters, but we haven't reached a level where we can go the whole way w/o help. the Buddha and the dharma are the boats that help ferry us across the ocean of adversities and obstacles.. But in the end, it is up to us to decide how we make the journey.

Even in terms of say. terminal illness..
the Dharma rings true.. life is impermanent.. if you can understand that, it takes away the fear of death. accept the situation of terminal illness but alsoremember the verses from teh diamond sutra. The situation may change for the better, so make good use of your remaining time. If your karma is good enough, things may turn around for the better. But even if you will in the end subcumb, making good use of your remaining time to do good and help other sentient beings > this will give you more good merits which will benefit both you either in your present or future life, as well as others.


it all boils down to internal locus of control, with a little help from our teacher of coz! And it boils down not to accumulating good merits only for yourslef, but having the compassion to help other ppl along to reach enlightenment.


It's kinda sad to see how most ppl equate buddhism with mysticism and superstition. I was among those ppl in teh past, i admit. A lot of young pple think that buddhism is all about marching to the temple and just asking some statues for things you want. they have no idea how wrong this idea is. and they have no idea about the mind blowing, life changing philosophy behind it. I really hope ppl do take a more open mind to Buddhism and other religions. Because even if it doesn't appeal to you, it does appeal to the devotees and it is their guiding path to life. I've to try to change my tact sometimes too.. i do tend to get carried away sometimes, yez.. tact is an important thing in religious harmony.


Thank you Reverend Yu for your wise words and for helping me see the light on this issue!
Thank you Buddha for your teachings...

And the exam stress runs on.


oh my goodness .3 wks to the exam and they have to put a bloody test in teh middle of it all. didn't do very well in assignment. groan. screw it manz.

i'm so dead dead dead.

can't focus.

argh.

praying helps me bring my focus back temporarily, but i get so xian so xian. aiyoh. wat's wrong with me? how come everything keeps falling out of my brain? my hippocampus is not working, no long term potentiation is happening. SCREAM.

come on brain. you can do it you can do it.

*doink*

I bought a CD from Fo guang yuan on impulse. At first after listening to it for the first time, I immediately banished it to the corner of the shelf for I found teh songs unsuited to my taste. But i decided to give it another chance, and i put it back onto my radio and it's still there, playing, soothing me with Master Xingyun's words of wisdom. It may be about his life, but I found that some of teh songs struck a chord in my heart. Guess it's the same with life... First impressions can costs you a friend or an experience of a lifetime. But when you actually take the leap and give the person another chance, you find that that they're almost as precious as the triple gem itself. :) i've formulated opinions far to quickly in the past and looking back, i realised that i've wasted precious time that could have been spent cementing the friendship . But then again, regret shouldn't be on the cards, coz after the experience, you'll come to treasure the friendship even more...

After the past few weeks, i've been forced to reexamine my views on BGRs. I used to think that BGRs were all flowers, cuddling, holding hands and being head over heels in love with that significant other. I always knew subconsciously that there was something greater than all that.. but denial drove it into the background.


It's like having a connection to the other person.. a permanent connection that you've to work on mantaining. Everything you feel, everything you need.. you will expect a reaction from that significant other that compliments your desires. Sometimes they managed to anticipate the change and choose the appropriate response ( think supplementary motor cortex) .. but sometimes, they get serious apraxia. Sometimes, they get agnosia... sometimes they juz don't see you squirming in discomfort, or your clenched fist and teeth... ( anterior cingulate cortex lesion) Sometimes they simply close their eyes. ( lid drop) And because you expect something so much more, you start seething.

It's normal to form expectations of another person.. but sometimes , i guess we make mistakes and form an unsuitable level of expectation because we're blinded by love or because we're blinded by our desire. We form attachments to our self.. we define things as 'ours" and because of that, we can't let go.. we don't see the impermanence of everything.. of their actions, of their words, of our relatinpshsip with them.. and that causes so much grief and hurt.

regardless of any type of form you can perceive
they are all just illusions
if you are able to realise these forms are of false existence
you'll understand the truth of emptiness

the diamond sutra

SOmetimes the karma of two people are just not meant to be entwined. the cause and conditions prevent the meeting of 2 hearts.. holding on to that, expecting the love to be reciprocated will juz tear you apart. you can love someone, you can show all your care and compassion to them,but you can't expect them to reciprocate that.. i think that's really really really difficult to achieve, but it's the Bodhisattva path, and i think i'll try to walk that way if i am ever faced again with that situation...


On a less spiritual note...

I'ts hard to find the balance how much you wanna invest in a person.. It's hard to see the future.. it's hard to work out your dreams when you're still so young. If you put in all you have, you stand to lose more.. if you put in less, you'll never know how much you could have had..

I think sometimes we're kinda selfish to initiate relationships.. if you don't think about the future.. you could juz set off a series of events that result in someone getting hurt real bad. i'ts not just about liking someone and getting the person..

if you really loved someone, you would have thought carefully about how much you were gonna hurt her in the future before making any decisions. love aint' just about passion.. it's a responsibilyt and a commitment.. and when you have made that commitment.. it's just a darn plain obligation to keep communication open right to the end and made sure the person alright before you walk out. It's juz unfair to create a mess and just leave .in the first place.. the mess shouldn't have been created if one had given it serious thought.


to those who have been hurt...

There are so many stars in teh sky,
you had love only for a certain one.
but
look carefully
stars are brightest when they are in teh darkest of night
plum blossoms are the most fragrant when ti's at the coldest of time
Where do we go in life
any direciton matters not
if you are willing to let go of your attachment
a carefree mind shall live in a world so wide

ok.. the chinese version sounds better.. this is one of those direct translations.. this was a song that i foudn on my new cd..


Anyway.. my mom was saying to me.. you guys are still young.. even if you have had a bad experience.. it's all just part of life.. The road ahead is still long.. and the expereince ( good or bad) will help you navigate in teh future. the right one for you is out there somewhere.. so don't be disheartened just because the first grape was sour.. i'ts all a matter of time.

Yup. ti's a matter of time.. and karma , the bad karma has become right it has passed.. may your merits acrue good karma for good tidings int eh future..
:) so don't give up hope on love ( oh yez.. slipslap. xl the love cynic is actually sayin ghtat.. get out the tape recorder!!!)


on a personal note...
i realise i still haven't got my goals in life set down yet. i realise i don't have the ability to commit to anything and i don't have the right to inititae anything because i'm still not as settled as i like to be. I don't know where i'll be in the future.. i don't know how much my work will eat into my life..

even for the next couple of years, i'll be shuttling between melb and singapore. not that i regret making this decsion.. i love both places.. but i don't think i can actually commit to having someone being part of my life wherever my geographical location .. so yeah. i was telling my mom after one of those " why-don't - you -look-for a bf- talks".. i don't think i'm ready for one, i don't think i even want one in the near future

i realise i have difficulty prioritising frens and work as it is.. I feel really bad when i place work first.. I realise i stupid i can be sometimes.. how selfish i am.. wat's a test result vs. a fren who needs you? i 'll sacrifice , but i'll do it grudgingly.. and i hate myself for doing that. i'm trying to change i wish i could be a better fren.

The violinist and his kidney

HP this semester is really really thot provoking. Ok.. HMB lecture was about the human sexual act.. OMG.. guys REALLY think about more than gals ( 54 % vs. 19%) okok.. lizhen and i were guffawing at that stats. nic' underestimated the stats.. whoopz. but seriously, nic is right. i've never seen a woman so enthu about talking about sex as our lecturer. The way she spoke, the raised eyebrows, her voice filled with a half amused lilt as she described the different stages of copulation... well, sex was always kinda a taboo subject.. but this was one amusing lecture.. if only ehre weren't so much to memorise... gosh, i think i'm actually turned off.. ( Oh no lizhen!!! help me)

Of abortions.

I kinda enjoy HP lectures this sem, both because of the enchanting history that came with it, and also because of the thought provoking discussions ath followed the speeches. It's all very informal.. kinda unthinkable for it to occur in singapore tho'. The audience and the speakers communicated freely, launching into debates.. if only my brain could follow all the arguements put forth.. damn cheem sometimes


Abortion:
it's a womans' right to control her own fertiliy... or is it? The moral issue about abortion is touchy stuff. I know i will have to face the issue of it sometime in my career and it's scary thinking about how I would go about dealing with it. I don't think i can bring myself to perform the operation on a patient. and yet, i know it's necessary sometimes.

My fren said he was against abortion but he could understand why a woman had to go thru with it. He said he wouldn't allow his child to be aborted and that 3 parties were involved.. the child, the woman and the guys. He also said that it was not fair to state that the woman would be more emotionally affected than the guy. I agree with that, but after i thot about it for a while, i realised that not all guys in this world are gonna have that conscience. I 4got to ask him to stand in the woman's shoes. yez guys, think about it from a woman's point of view... The woman has to carry the phsical burden for 9 mnths, and the weight of caring for the child will most probalby fall on her shoulders. true, the guy can be there for her, but then again, not all guys are that responsible. and they can just walk in and out of the situation if they wish to. and yez.. i may be a hard core feminist, but i think it's the truth that most guys can and will disappear w/o a trace in a woman's life if he finds out that she is carrying his child and the pregancny is unwanted. Check out the no. of single moms. Even if he marries her, will teh marraige be a happy one? iz it worth it for the child? will there be even more emotioanl issues invovled?

THe woman on theother hand, will be scarred, physically and mentally for life. There is more than juz a phsyically linkage with a child that is created when a woman carries it inside her womb for 9 mths. True, Sh e can give it up for adoption but she will constantly wonder what became of it.

"abortion is more painful than giving birth"

I think parting with a child is more painful than anything else in teh world, even though you know that it could have a better life with another family. But sometimes, the emotional or physcial burden for the mother may be too much for her to bear. Sometimes, the world will inflict too much suffering the unwanted child. ...

Who am I to take a life? I imagine myself holding the instruments to perform the operation. I can't conveive myself killing that growing ball of cells or removing that fetus... i can't conceive the next step. it's juz a blank. I can't go through with it. But yet, i feel hypocritical saying: " sorry, i can't do this, i've to refer you to another doctor" . it' like giving the dirty job to someone else. Where does life start? it's very debatable. For me, i feel that life starts when the fetus acquires i'ts 8 consciousness.. somepple would say. that's wrong.. so you mean to say that ppl in comas are "not alive?" ok.. i'll be clearer.. it starts when the fetus has it's aaliyah conscoiusness.. aborting it would be tantemount to Killing another human being.. ( another sentient being for that matter) . Through , i don't place equal empahsis on all sentient being's lives.. ( i'm guilty for that one) ... i 'm not a veggietarian.. but still, i'm human. i'm fallible, i've estb a hierachy of importance to the meaning of life. a fetus amounts to more importance that say.. a chicken, but it ai'nt as impt as an adult? but don't we all ahve the same consciousness?

I guess i've to think about it, so in 5th year med, when i'm asked if i wanna try perfomrin an abortion, i will have an answer to my dilemma.. at the present. i'm still tryign to sort out the meaning of "life"

Ok.. LAST DAy.. GROAN moan.. still soooooooooo far behind my revision. i can't do this anymore.. *scream* ok.. i know nic and aiai have been listening to me whine all week.. so i'll whine for the whole world now w/o doing further damage to their tympanic membranes or CN VIII.

WHINE

spent the day in th elaw lib ( again) . did one freaking lecture... crap it's pretty sunny now, but i can't get my ass out ot jog. just sitting here accumulating fat.. ok . juz joking.. having another freaking gastric attack again.. :( so i've to juz jieh tiam tiam. tia ka ai si)

managed to put a tune in for SQ's poem.. yay :) my first happy song.. no i don't think i need therapy . :P

i don'[t wanna go back too schooooooll

OH where or where have The HOLS..gone?????

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

it can't be over.. SCREAMSCREAM SCREAM

ok.. it juz hit me after i landed int ehlib after buddhist class. that the break was over.. NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ok. in denial. in big big denial.

update on my boring life. eveyrdya in the lib.. wheeeee. ok. we went dim sum on fri. everyone ppked us.. so it was just me, aiai and nic.. then back to teh lib to mug.. groan. hmm. then .. things got happening manz.. nic's fren pangje him for dinner.. so he came over for dinner instead.. whoa.. no more parmesan cheese.. j9 was real frazzled haha tryin got cook for our resident chef is a big stressor manz.. ;) neway, it was a rather eventful nite LOL.. , :) and congrats to someone ( big wink) .. then ended rather abruptly when eveyrone in my house (save for me) drove off to view a hair cut. ????

sat:

lib duty... diamond sutra translation. happy happy happy!!! Buddha gave me the guidence i prayed hard for.. and helped me do an ok job with translating the reverned's wonderful speech. it was incredible.. she such a good orator.. no time to go into it now but i'll reflect on it another day. The 4 verses from the diamond sutra.. i never realise dhow much i shld put it into practise utnil the talk today.. we did self appraisal during the discussion class. I told them my prob was with my expectations .. of myself and of others.. and how it led to my suffering because i was so attached to these unreasonalbe expectations.. very enlightening.. but whoa. i was sooo tired.. :) but my heart was jumping with joy because I just discovered soooo much new knowledge from the Dharma.. I LOOOOVE buddhist class. it's incredible.. I've learnt so much from my classmates and the reverend.. :) yay!!! ( jumps with joy)
Tomolo's the last day of the hols.. :( .

my youth group leader wrote this poem..
it's won some poster competition in St vincents.. will hang aroudn there i think :) go SQ!!!
to all teh med students out there.

The Key to life is balance.

Failures arise like faithful friends
Alwayst ehre when you are down
Sometimes you wonder how life began
Am I a researcher or a clown
Then something deep stirs in you
and bestows faith anew
Then you start to realise
There's nothing you can't do
Our body works is mysterious ways.
An inner sanctum of peace
A balacne of karma always in play
one we best not resist
Endless work with no rest is pure irony
what does a title mean posthumously
An enetrtaining paradox of studying ourselves
instead of delaying we ring our own knells
So rest when weary and exercise
or take a break or two
that's when you start to realise
life can do more than you

SQ