a little Xtra

whee.. holz.. in full swing.. can't get my brain in full swing tho'. everything keeps falling out. i feel so useless.. and stressed. juz looking at my notes. wish i'd a better memory. ti's so stupid. i can learn something like Internal arcuate fibres.. something i used to rattle off like no one's business and now even after revising it, i've aphasia. STOOOOOPID XUELING.

ok. this is soo not gonna work.

Let's continue the update on my life during the holz.. geez. i'm turning this blog into a diary, but looks like this is the best way to update everyone on my life w/o writing those tons of emails with no replies.. Heeeeloooooo???? neone out there???


Monday: trying darnest to study.. tried to go for taibo.. instructor replace .. absolutely refused to go for any other session other than filo's ones.. so left, jogged until the rain came down .. realised sushi was getting wet, so ate sushi instead of joggin. bad move also... lunch was too late.. --> gastric attack ( why the fuck does it alwasy come at such a bad time?) tried to study, but pain was too irritating.. popped med, crawled into bed, slept until med took effect.. can't recall if i really slept, all i remember was thinking.. good, pain finally gone.. up you go to do work.. then realised it was dinner time, cooked, packed up and went to lib. studied ( or tried to) utnil 11pm. back home.. Zzzzz

Tue: nic, wanyen and aiai and moi went to teh dandenong ranges in the morning.. got sabo ed to do navigation. can't read maps for nuts. serious. i juz have visuospatial skills next to zero. i think nic was probably pretty horrified after he showed me the pages and i just ended up flicking to a page that was like miles away from our destination..LOL.. and points of time when he asked me where we were and i wa slike.. ""er... somewhere on the eastern freeway????"
ok..better not say anymore... neway,lucky didn't get uz lost ( i rwok manz) had scones, this HUMONGOUS looking icecream and chicken fingers at miss marples.. a very quaint cafe ( looks like right out of an old english storybook) ... very nice and peaceful to sit there with my close buds and juz chill ( ok, chill aint' a word good enuff to describe this) er... sit and chat over steaming scones and fingers.. the scones were overrated..b ut teh ice cream.. graon.. so huge. uz 3 gals and nic couldn't even finish the darn thing.. and we watched nic polish off one soup, one plate of fingers and scones.. guys' appetities never fail to amaze the shit out of me. but lunch was really really enjoyable.. yay!

back to the lib to mug. ( or try to)
kelvin is back. yay.
j9 is sick.. poor gal.. :(

er.. yeah, raining. sittting in law lib with nic and aiai moaning over neuro. that's life.

Wed. today.. nice sunny day, talked to hilda on teh phone. now trying to start anatomy but started blooggging.. bah. off to lib later to mug with my usual study duo.
going to watch the terminal with the gang at night and YEZ FINALLY. taibo with filomenna.. WHOO HOO.

Holz..

Yez.. holz have starteed... Ahem.. i'm supposed to start rev.. ahem. Er.. NOt moving. something is seriously wrong this sem. I'm usually stuckin the lib from monring to night at this point of time. but curiously. i'm everywhere but there.

was complaining to jas i was going out waaay too much this sem.
" wah xueling .. so happening ah.. tsk tsk?"

yeah, i think pigs are flyign . seriously.

It's a very tricky issue, managing your social life and your work. She said something that kept coming up in my thoughts. " You can make time to do things you wanna do, but then with that time you use to do recreational activites ( aka getting a life) , you lose time that you could have spent studying something, something that might be neccesary in the future. Your duty is with your patients, but how much sacrifice must you make now? Is it worth it to sacrifice things you can only do in your youth and mebbe regret it later?"

I can't give her an answer. I don't know. My parents tell me that as long as I"m happy doing what I am doing, it's fine bythem. But i really wonder how much going out now and leaving say. anatomy less well revised will impact in the future. Will it cost me a patient? Will it cost my patients their QOL in the future? Will it leave me less equipped to heal someone in the future? But then again, if i suffer a nervous /emotional breakdown now like i almost did b4, is it worth it? If i force myself to study continuously and become disillusioned with med, is it worth it?

that thin balance is incredibly hard to get. ANd jas pointed it out in black and white to me yesterday, mebbe i was always subconsciously searching for that balance...

neway, with the holz.. off with a bang.. lizhen and I turned supre upside down on friday afternoon, Got this yaya looking pink frilly top for clubbing. .mwahaha.. loved this skirt tube combi but i looked too much of an elephant to carry it off.. groan. debating whether to get a belt. Caught the bourne supremacy with nic at night. The story line was good, but the bloody camera work... goodness. i codulnt' even see who was hitting who? was it bourne? was it the baddie.. or was it trefor morgan???? It didnd't make a diff, i coudln't tell. AND BLOODY HELL. why did they kill off marie/??

Had temple on sat.. read it about it in the prev entry.. :) very happy :)

then had potluck at nic's house... thot we weren't going clubbing anymore.. was so puzzled when lz and aia came in dressed to the nines.. but was too brain dead and too inappropraitely clad to go.. pot luck was fun, but only half the expected no. came.. but hey, the conversation got pretty interesting. mwahha.

sunday ran into luana in teh city.. OMG. *SCREAM* :) i think i need to meet lotsa pple.. i'm guilty guilty guilty of not meeting ppl manz.. so many promises left unkept.. paiseh paiseh.
Whoopee. going dandenongs with the gang. yummy scones here i come!

I was touched by the light of the Dharma. It was such a beautiful realisation, realising that the Truth was all around me. I felt really tired from all that reflection and debate, but my heart danced with joy.

I finally realised that root of my suffering in life. Reverend Miaoyu was teaching us about 4 Noble Truths. And the topic of the day was the 2nd Noble truth - the origin of suffering.


It all stems from disharmony.

1) disharmony between materail things and oneself
2) disharmony between peopl and one's self
3( disharmony between teh body and one's self
4disharmony between the mind and one's self
5 disharmony between desire and one's self
6) disharmony between views and one's self
7) disharmony between desire and one's self

I saw how each and everyone of these disharmonies has given me my suffering in my life. it was an awesome discussion that followed. I really love the way the classes are run. We practise humanistic Buddhism, and the reverends guide us how to apply the principles in our lives. And in that short time, i suddenly came to the realisation about the areas of my life that so needed the guidence of the Dharma.

I saw my attachment to self.. My disatisfaction with my self .. My constant craving for items which led to the viscous cycle of suffering. Ignorance and misunderstadning .. leading to karma leading to suffering and leading back to ignorance. I reflected on people whom i had friction ridden relationships with, I reflected on events that angered me in the past and of frenships gone sour, of events of my life that have gone so so wrong .. past and present. The reason of the Dharma explains it all, and i take heart that there is an answer to these problems.


Fan2 shuo3 you3 xiang1
jie1 shi4 Xu1 wang4
ruo4 jian4 zhu3 xiang1 fei1 xiang1
ying4 jian4 ru2 lai2

The Diamond Sutra

Regardless of anytype of form you can percieve,
everything is just an illumination
If you are able to realise that all forms have false existance,
you will realise the truth of emptiness

obstacles and bad relationships arise from past bad karma. And we need to eradicate this and not generate more bad karma. Radiate compassion people who bear you a grudge. Take insults or scoldings gracefully and graciously for these are the seeds of karma you have sown in teh past that have taken root. They are your retribution. try to irradicate past bad karma but don't generate another new bad karma by retaliation and violence. For it only goes in a viscous cycle.. like 9/11. Reverend Yongwei gave an awesome lecture on teh Diamond sutra, though i was unable to do it justice translating it, i hoped the congregation managed to get the essence of it. The Buddha guided me in helping to spread His teachings and I was very very grateful for the strength and encouragement He gave me .. and from the support from my team. ( including Sq and Reverend Miao yu sitting in front and waving prompts :) )

Reverend Miaoyu had a talk with me in the afternoon and she helped me come to the realisation of so many things in my life. I felt like a great load has been lifted from me.. It was very very mentally exhausting coming to terms with so many realisations and facing my problems and sufferings. But my Dharma sisters, brothers and my teachers helped me in my struggle to examine my sufferings and I think I am heading off in teh right direciton in dealing with them. I am slowly shaking off the shackles of disillusion and ignorance and stepping on the path the Buddha has taught us.


It is such a beautiful, wonderful feeling, ---- liberation.

Thank you Sakyamuni Buddha for your precious guidance ....

blogspot is so slow.. moan groan
neway, i reedited this entry , lz. inc ase you're reading it.


Life: people walk in and out of your hearts, some vanish without a trace, others leave their footprints behind

Lizhen ( see link to her blog) was blogging about frens and life overseas. like to carry on the topic. juz finished load of emails to frens, too tired to write anymore. i find i'm juz cutting and pasting.. why? it's been so long sincei last wrote or they last replied.. i dunno where to start.. so in the end i juz give up.. sometimesi find the mental capacity to start bloggin but the enthusiasm wears out. .. like now.

words seem so superficial.. keep in touch!!! mail me!!! but it never materialises.. it's a fault both parties partake and I understand that i suppose. typing is a pain if you can't do it fast. I type like hell, but even then, I still can't be bothered to hammer out emails after emails phrasing the same events in my life in different ways and sending it to all my frens back in spore.. mebbe it's the same reason why hardly anyone writes back.

After a series of recent events, I've really taken to examining my social circle here a little more closely. My fren recently fractured her wrist during a skiing accident. After one night of a nightmarish wait in the ER for the absolutely SLOW SLOW SLOW med system to give her some attention.. I suddenly realised how blessed i was to have my frens here. Observing how my gang here banded together to help Char, and how brave Char was ,it suddenly hit me how precious my frens here were to me. It really touched me...watching Elaine sacrificeher sleep, and giving everything she had, physically and emotionally even when she had a test the following monday, Jas, even down with a fever, still giving all the support she could to char.. aiai n lz take care of char, nic bringing char dinner and wait out in the ER with her then send everyone back, having the gang drop by to visit her.. and watching char bear the whole thing so bravely. My goodness, she kept our spirits up even tho' we were all so tired in the ER, and even when she was feeling like absolute crap. Even with lz's bag incident.. the gang was there to help. I knew that if i was in dire need for help, my frens were there to catch me and see me through the crisis. We've really grown close in this semester.. hard to imagine that we started out as a rag tag team of pple, thrown together coz of the one thing they had in common -- we were from singapore. I still recall the pre-departure briefing, the fortnightly potlucks in sem 1 and 2. The fleeting hi' byes we gave each other during lectures. We seriously would never have gotten together as a gang if we were back home.. :) our personaitlies were so different.. really at the extreme ends of the spectrum, and yet, our karmas allowed our paths to cross and become entwined more closely as the course progressed. This sem has seen alot of shitty stuff happening, but yet we 're all pretty happy.. (?!!?) i dunno about the rest, but i certainly am enjoying this semester tons more( even if it's neuro)... so thanks guys :), for listening to my whinings.. for caring, for pulling me out of my lows and celebrating the highs with me. or for simply juz having lunch in the pbl rooms ( and stoning around with moi) :)

i
lz pointed out that it was so weird. how we end up falling back on pple we have only known for a year plus... and how no one back home would understand what we sometimes go thru.

It's hard to slip back into life back in spore. it feels like you're on seperate wavelenghts.. true i can relate some anecdotes of my life here in melbourne, but truth be told, it's hard to get teh whole picture, or how i actually feel? it's hard to put it into words, typed out on the computer screen.. I'ts ironic how excited I feel to be going back next year to do research.. yet feel so relieved my melbourne frens will be returning with me.




Lz and I always marvel how we got thru first semester.. We both lived alone, barely knew anyone.. for lz it was even tougher.. she sprained her ankle and had to get around on her own. I realised how little i appreciated the care i got from my family back home. When you're injured/incapacitated here, it's really a pain in the arse. not only have you to deal with uni, you've to deal with your reduced ability to wash, clean teh hosue, cook, take care of your self, get yourself med attention. Things we usually have someone do for uz back home when you're sick. things I always took for granted.your social circle is your only saving grace here.

well, it wasn't the most pleasant experience in teh world, but it is one of those things you gain when you go overseas. but i supposed it has made me stronger in more ways than one. I know i can take a lot more that is thrown my way now than in the past. it takes a hell lot more to make me break down. i've noticed subtle differences in how i deal with matters, how i managed pple and problems. I"ve discovered independence,.. and above all, I've discovered myself.. ( haha.. shades of HP) but seriously, all these theory about discovering yourself you read in your HP text. it's not utter bull. it really happens.

so mew, when you commented about me being less emotionally dependent on my paretns.. it deson't mean i love them less.. i know they're alwasy there for me, but i now can stand on my own... without relying too much on them to solve my problems in life. Yeah, it's all part of growing up for everyone.. mebbe i've been too molly coddled back home..

i geuss that's life.. relating back tot eh phrase i quoted at the top.. pple juz keep walking in and out.. you can't stop change. but there are those precious few who have left their footprints in my heart.. and i'll treasure those imprints for a long time to come..

Med ball.

I' think i'll wait till i get back to spore b4 i upload the bbq photos or the med ball ones. i need cable. real bad.

Med ball was a blast. OMG. the carlton exhibition building look like a fairy tale building.. Situated in the middle of the picturestique carlton gardens, it stood clad in twinkling fairy lights, with the intricately carved fountain adding the finishing touch.

Med ball prep was as usual fun. Well, a tad rushed for me tho'. I underestimated the time needed to get to nic's house, so by the time i got to la trobe street and stoo dthere like an idiot waiting for the tram.. it's was 7pm. HOLY SHIT> i gave up waiting and ran for my life.

The gang were already almost all down. I panicked. luckily aiai and lizhen helped me with my makeup.. Thank you thank you thank you... Whew. It was freezing cold outside ( ok, not as bad as expected, but still bad) and we were in like skimpy gowns and thin shawls and totterig on high heels to thevenue ( which fortunately was across the road). unfortunately, this road had one of the most complicated crossings i've ever seen. Poor nic had to escort 5 very cold and very unsteady girls across the road.

Everyone looked gorgeous. I kinda regretted not going to do my hair . Had a dental appointment early so i was too lazy to go there in the end. 7 bux only lor! and they all looked so nice. hai. nvm. neway, the jazz band was awesome. the atmosphere was really really good. the theme was Mafia. SOme pple really dressed up for it... i wanted to go jam on the dnace floor tot eh jazz music but then , photo taking took up all my time. by the time i wanted to boogie , the band had left. crap.

the food wasn't that great. but the table was really nicely down up. There was a bucket of alcohol in the middle, rose petals, cards, were scattered across.. it felt like a dream. I was kinda blinded with all the photo taking. Didn't dare drink that much, when Rod found out, he kept trying to make me finish my wine and my spirit. I thought it wasn't a very good idea since I nearly fell out of my chair while talking to lizhen. Geez. i swear i've never seen so many pple 'high" b4. we study about how alcohol disinhibits your frontal cortex, never really seen the effects though for myself. Kev wanted to make me go up on stage and dance... i was like.. ????!!!! The music kinda sucked. here and there there were some really good r and B .. Go justin timberlake! and the Hey ya song which had some pple doing a coordinated dance.. looked cool. Was boogieing with my kaki... Whoa KAy!!! ( wolf whistle) you go gal!!! Holy cow, she really can dance man.. And nic, gave a really incredible ( new and improved) version of Rhoisin's chest ( and butt ) trust. wished so fervently i had jeans and my track shoes one. Lizhen and i were screaming when we heard usher's "Yeah" our flare dance item. but unfortunately, i couldn't really move much, unless i wanted to be publicly undressed and hobbling around with broken ankles. Hai.. why the hell do gals have to wear gowns and heels.. blast it. at this point, mebbe being naked was a good idea.

felt a bit like prom, all that phototaking. I don't really see the poitn, but then again, we all get dolled up juz for the phototaking bit. so it's essential. Lucky there was dancing. haha :). Too shack to go for the after party, my contacts were kiling my eyes anyway.. so we tottered back to nic's house to Zzzz. had a pretty good night tho' :) it was a blast.

One crazy weekend .


I think my weekends juz get crazier. seriously.

neway, dad came down on friday.. Yay.. stayed for 5 days. he juz left :(. but i was too amused staring at the limo the company sent to pick him and his 2 member crew up to feel sad. i think i juz stood there with this amused look on my face.. well. it is an improvement from him leaving me in tears.. seriously, i used to think i'[d never get used to seeing my loved ones return home.. but i think i finally got used to it. it scares me somewhat.. this lack of emotional dependence. INstead of that pang of desperate sadness that always treatens to engulf me, I felt just a tinge of regret that i didn't spend enuff time with my dad. . but that's it.. i realise i 've been calling home loads less too.. freak me out. It really juz hits you how much you've come to rely on yourself. no more mom and dad there anymore. you're on your own.. you 're an adult. ( without the financial independence tho')
sometimes when i see 2 young kids and their mom and dad while on my jogs, i feel this pang of regret for not savouring my childhood enough. Gone were the days where decisions were just outta your hands.. and mommy could solve all your problems. gone were the days when i could run to my parents and ask them why ppl were the way they were? This thought keeps comeing up. like when my mom asked me for advice on how to deal with some ppl who were giving her trouble.. i suddenly realised that she could no longer play the role of the "all knowing problem solver"

i sometimes feel this "xianness" no other way to describe it.I can't help feeling that there 's somethign missing in my life.. NONO. it's not a bf.. ? it really drives home the Buddha's msg of how we should work on revealing our Buddha nature. Wish I'd more determination to cultivate myself.. then i can free myself of this mundane world.

juz got email from frens back home.. realise how different my life iz here. it's like one 2 diff wavelengths.. even though i tried telling her about life here, i knew she would never get it. no one will understand unless you've gone through it yourself.

weekend? crazy? yeah. Nic gave me a heart attack by calling me and saying.. " Xueling.. I've got bad news .. soh ai.... wait ah.. i've to ... "( and then he ran off to do somethign and left me gripping on to the receiver and my imaginationrunning wild ) DON"T DO THAT TO ME. please! if j9 found me on the floor clutching my chest you know who to go after

neway, one of my palz had a slip up on the ski slop and a fracture of the wrist. Thankfully she is ok now :) yay! the hospital system her eis UNBELIEVABLY slow.. geez. crawl manz crawl.. seriously, friday nights are AWFUL. so slow!!!! the doc looked like he wanted to fall asleep standing up.


had ICM today. interview with a caregiver.. i was almost in tears.. she was so resilient!!!! omg.. it really drove home the marraige vow msg.. " in sickness and in health.. till death do uz part." i think if i were in her position.. i would have broken down mentally and phsyically.

THe windows to my world
( a tribute to my glasses)


I never really knew how much i relied on them. I wake up every morning, pop them on my nose, and juz go about with my stuff. Don't really realsie their presence. sometimes.. gosh i 've even sat on them.,,

Never realised how much i needed them till... they broke.


SCREAM


right. i hate contacts with a burning passion. Can't wait to grab them off my eyeballs and toss them into the bin when i come home. I trussed my poor trusty glasses up with scotch tape and sat them on my nose and tried my best to study. They stayed balanced precariously on my ala. thankfully they're functional enuff for home use., but they were barely holding together. Had to go jogging, and my contacts for the day were already sitting in the bin, so i decided to pull a stunt and go without visual aid.

My world became a murky blur. Objects took on a surreal look, people were just blobs bobbing in the distance, cars seemed to streak by without actually being there. I started on the jogging path, praying that i wouldn't step on some dog's tail. I coudln't see anyone's face. It was like I was in one of those dreams where you coudl see ppl but you couldn't recognise them. It's amazing how much more you can appreciate the greenery when you're not concentrating on the people running aorund the trek(aka the cute guys). My unfocused vision took in the trees, the rolling lawn, the sprawling cemetery, the little blobs runnig aroudn teh football field ( i supposed they are human) ... I barely even glanced at my fellow joggers ( well, coz i couldn't see their features, so wat's the point) I guess we humans are visual creatures ( LOL.. lz.. yez yez.. i'll get down from my anti-guy, feministic high horse and admit dat we gals are visual creatures too) .

Well, it was hard work running. I had to focus on not tripping over stuff, I had to concentrate more on moving objects ( tho' i couldn't figure wat they were til 1m away, i swear, i think i saw mickey mouse joggin rnd the park too) In all, I think i super regret screwing up my eyes in primary school. It was a bit scary to realise how inadequate a part of my anatomy was... and it's a damage that can't be reversed ( w/o laser treatment that iz).
Argh.. now i'm hearing my mom's voice in my head.. " WHO ASK YOU TO WATCH TV SO CLOSE???"
okok.. sorry sorry..

wait. was that an auditory halluncination?

Somethign tells me i'm having disorganised thought. wat was i disucssing in the first place?

wait. i think i see mickey mouse again.


schizophrenia definetely . told ya the assignment and neuro would drive me psychotic( smirk)
thank good ness bill gates doesn't tell me to leap into the computer. LOL.

thank goodness neuroscience is over. whew.

The BIG love debate

Well, it seems to be a hot topic of the blog these dayz :) ..

qy: I don't read love poetry but i do sing sappy love songs all the time on my guitar.. so i'm not deprived of love literature. Plus i love qiong yao...

Maybe I see love as a bunch of NT and receptors because I'm not in love. That's why I can rationalise it into such solid things. ( well, solid and scientific in a way). I suppose you can't relaly quantify everything on earth into molecules. Definitely can't do that with spiritual stuff. I guess i quntify it because it's the way i deal with things. Can' t quite figure why we need it in the first place. attachments bring so much pain, and yet, humans still try to seek attachments in every way they can. Some despair over not finding it, some rejoice upon having found it, some crumble after it's gone. IT's amazing how much trouble we wanna givec ourselves when life could have been so much more straightforward.
We probably look for ti because of the highs it brings uz.. I 'd say i can explain those highs with seratonin or endorphins or smth, but how or why love brings those stuff, ... no idea. it's a mystery and ti's that mystery that writers exploit, that song writers relish and that poets honour.

Love puzzles me... I guess i'm a person who doesn't waste much time. I move on in life real fast. My heart doesn't linger for long because practicality overrules it. I've opened a few boxes of love to see if the object inside is wat i desire. Many a times, it wasn't, occasionally i find smth worth lingering over, but i can't get past the layers and layers of wrapping. So i shut the lid and move on. life's too short anyway.

Blind as a bat

Never knew how reliant I was on my glasses until they broke. No.. the screw didn't come loose, the whole arm of the specs became detached. I was staring at horror in the remnats of my trusty glasses in my hands. I fished out my old pair but they were bent out of shape, and my fat fat face juz wouln't fit them anymore. Plus when i tried wearing 'em, the difference in the power of the lens made me so giddy i think i was better off without.

Last resort: contacts

ok, bad thing is no. 1, the degree of my contacts, altho' slightly better than my old pair of glasses, is still inadequate to correct my eyesight, and i've super duper dry eyes. So I 'm groping around the place half blind and in extreme discomfort. Got quite fed up in the lecture today. I Coudln't see wat was on the screen, i coud'nt see my notes, i coudln't even see wat i was writing.
Had to fly NK's aeroplane , i was in too bad a mood to go watch the bourne supremacy. groan. i really wanted to watch it, but was too stressed coz didn't get anything down for lecture and i juz coudl'nt see a fucking thing.


Besides this bloody mishap. other highlights ( or rather, lows of the week) are my assignment: dunno wat i was writing. nic freaked me out in the morning by telling me we needed to put page nos in. Shit.
monday: lousy lousy test. should've studied harder. i 'm really not working hard enuff this sem ( slip slap.) wat teh fuck is wrong with me. GEEZ. can't focus. mebbe coz i' burn myself out so much int eh week, i can't be bothered during the weekends.
neway, dunno wat teh hell was on the teest paper, juz guessed my way thru.. s-c-r-e-w-e-d

highlights of the week:
1) Jas ' bday was on thursday!!! yay! we managed to surprise her by creeping to her house early thurs mroning juz b4 she was going to go out! will put up pix soon. it was lovely :) our first success at surprise parties whoo hoo
2) jon ng was in town in melbourne, met up with him on thursday. really cool to catch up with him. think i've not seen him for wat? 1 and a half years? Neway, had lunch at this cool jap place with him and the mumsg gang. a bit surreal. like a piece of my life in spore juz popped back into melbourne for a mmt.

feeling rathe tired and blue. sometimes i juz get hit by the feeling.. wat is teh purpose of my life?

can't wait for dad to come next week.. hai.. with my new glasses.
can't wait for tomolo's dharma session and class..
can't wait for jasmine's bday dinner
can't wait for the bbq on sunday.