Thursday, July 31, 2003
Lost and Alone
"Nobody wants to be lonely,
Nobody wants to crrrrrry!!!"
Strains from a Ricky Martin song just popped into my head on this cold, wintry day. I sat in the library, rummaging through the huge pile of textbooks to research on the medical case I was given. The guy was lost in a mountain and was starving, and I was supposed to figure out why he wanted to run around stark naked in the snow. Ok, that wasn't exactly his wish, but that guy sure had a death wish. Why? Sure, he was starving, I sure would go beserk with you threw me in a godforsaken place with a mars bars and a caterpillar. However, another reason was that he was lonely. Lonely for his family and his girlfriend. Would I go bouncing down the mountain side screaming yo leh hee because I wanted to be with someone?
Human beings form attachments all the time. It's what gives us that warm, comfy feeling. It's also what gives us pain. Love and feelings cannot transcend death. It leaves us utterly torn apart. So why do we allow ourselves to be subjected to this utter suffering? Feelings and love can't be defined with science. I tried to argue with my friend about the definition of love earlier this year. I was rebuked for reducing the sacred feeling to love to a couple of atoms and molecules constituting hormones and some electrical signals buzzing around our brains. I pointed out that we shouldn't place our feelings on a pedestral just because they have been immortalised and revered. Love is a mystery. Not because it sounds like a good song title, but because it's amazing how our cognitive ability can device this extraordinary attachment. How did the processing of information in our brain conceive this emotion? ( there I go again, resynthesizing this most praised emotion as a cold, scientific fact.)
THe buddhist advocate not making attachments since everything in life is transient and egocentricity does not exist. And it makes sense. If we don't form attachments in this life, it's one less suffering to go through when your loved one leaves. Plus you know, he or she's probably emerging some where else in the samsara. But here, I'll pause a tad. I do bear a cynical view on love, having being so utterly hopeless in it. But for all the suffering it comes with, love is a beautiful thing while it lasts. And I'll bear the consequences gladly in light of what it can offer me.
Sitting in the library study hall on a bitterly cold and windy day, with a couple of crazy library all-nighters for company can delude your mind. The silence is an omnimous cloud that hangs over me and it constantly wrenches out the one emotion I've tried so hard to keep buried in my heart. Loneliness. The repressed feeling rears its ugly head whenever I'm alone. It is during those times that I understand what my friend always talks about. Keeping an upbeat, enthusiastic outlook in a foreign country has it's limits. It's not that I don't have friends. I have a lovely clique who is really funky to hang around with, but I've yet to form a strong bond with any of them or spend lots of time with them. And it's the large amount of time that you spend alone that really gets you down. Uni forces you to be independent. It's hard to establish a firm relationship with uni friends simply because you don't have time to. During lectures, interacting would draw the wrath of the irate lecturer. Out of class, you're raring to be alone to cram that riduculous amount of lecture notes into your head. That's one of the hard parts of coming out to a foreign land alone. You need time to find friends, but you're not equipped with the opportunities to do so. Plus establishing friendships requires opening up and giving each other chances and I guess we all aren't ready to do that. And so your heart longs for the firm old friends back home. I am happy in Melbourne, but sometimes the loneliness just creeps in on me when I least expect it.
I stared at the page on my worksheet, my eyes seeing but not reading the words. The feeling wasn't one of sadness. The loneliness simply provoked a restless yearning to see someone I knew. I tapped my feet impatiently.
" Excuse me miss, is the seat taken?" An exaggeratedly polite request made by a most familiar voice lifted my heart.
HH dumped her books on the table, burying my worksheets and that awful feeling of despair.
I first met HH in RGS days when we were both sitting miserably in the field in the blazing sun, melting while we waited for our sec 4 mass dance captain to devise another devious way to embarrass us in front of the school on sports day. The rest of our interaction in RGS simply involved greeting each other on the corridors of level 2. It's hard to imagine that a few years down the road, I would grow to view her as one of my best friends and confidants. I think I do believe in karma. Like my shi fu says, it's hard to explain how you take to certain people more than others. Our friendship bloomed from nothing more than a couple of emails when I decided to apply to Melbourne Uni. But since I"ve arrived in Melbourne, she's taken me under her wing and helped me cope in more ways than one with life. Whether it's studying in the lib till late at night, or running amok in Victoria markets on Saturday morning, having "sleepovers" that see us sacrificing our homework for a night of guitar playing and singing or panicking in the doom and gloom of the exams, her bubbly yet sensible nature has helped me pull through. She's an utter angel, and the only fault i can find in her is her ( and my tendency) to oversleep on Saturday mornings :) . It's hard to find such a good friend in such a short time and I must say that I"m extremely blessed that she's here. I 've no idea how i'm going to cope when she's gone next year...
" Fisherman's friend?" she held up the packet of sweets.
Nah, I didn't need a fisherman's friend, I already had one.
.. and the loneliness was long gone
"Nobody wants to be lonely,
Nobody wants to crrrrrry!!!"
Strains from a Ricky Martin song just popped into my head on this cold, wintry day. I sat in the library, rummaging through the huge pile of textbooks to research on the medical case I was given. The guy was lost in a mountain and was starving, and I was supposed to figure out why he wanted to run around stark naked in the snow. Ok, that wasn't exactly his wish, but that guy sure had a death wish. Why? Sure, he was starving, I sure would go beserk with you threw me in a godforsaken place with a mars bars and a caterpillar. However, another reason was that he was lonely. Lonely for his family and his girlfriend. Would I go bouncing down the mountain side screaming yo leh hee because I wanted to be with someone?
Human beings form attachments all the time. It's what gives us that warm, comfy feeling. It's also what gives us pain. Love and feelings cannot transcend death. It leaves us utterly torn apart. So why do we allow ourselves to be subjected to this utter suffering? Feelings and love can't be defined with science. I tried to argue with my friend about the definition of love earlier this year. I was rebuked for reducing the sacred feeling to love to a couple of atoms and molecules constituting hormones and some electrical signals buzzing around our brains. I pointed out that we shouldn't place our feelings on a pedestral just because they have been immortalised and revered. Love is a mystery. Not because it sounds like a good song title, but because it's amazing how our cognitive ability can device this extraordinary attachment. How did the processing of information in our brain conceive this emotion? ( there I go again, resynthesizing this most praised emotion as a cold, scientific fact.)
THe buddhist advocate not making attachments since everything in life is transient and egocentricity does not exist. And it makes sense. If we don't form attachments in this life, it's one less suffering to go through when your loved one leaves. Plus you know, he or she's probably emerging some where else in the samsara. But here, I'll pause a tad. I do bear a cynical view on love, having being so utterly hopeless in it. But for all the suffering it comes with, love is a beautiful thing while it lasts. And I'll bear the consequences gladly in light of what it can offer me.
Sitting in the library study hall on a bitterly cold and windy day, with a couple of crazy library all-nighters for company can delude your mind. The silence is an omnimous cloud that hangs over me and it constantly wrenches out the one emotion I've tried so hard to keep buried in my heart. Loneliness. The repressed feeling rears its ugly head whenever I'm alone. It is during those times that I understand what my friend always talks about. Keeping an upbeat, enthusiastic outlook in a foreign country has it's limits. It's not that I don't have friends. I have a lovely clique who is really funky to hang around with, but I've yet to form a strong bond with any of them or spend lots of time with them. And it's the large amount of time that you spend alone that really gets you down. Uni forces you to be independent. It's hard to establish a firm relationship with uni friends simply because you don't have time to. During lectures, interacting would draw the wrath of the irate lecturer. Out of class, you're raring to be alone to cram that riduculous amount of lecture notes into your head. That's one of the hard parts of coming out to a foreign land alone. You need time to find friends, but you're not equipped with the opportunities to do so. Plus establishing friendships requires opening up and giving each other chances and I guess we all aren't ready to do that. And so your heart longs for the firm old friends back home. I am happy in Melbourne, but sometimes the loneliness just creeps in on me when I least expect it.
I stared at the page on my worksheet, my eyes seeing but not reading the words. The feeling wasn't one of sadness. The loneliness simply provoked a restless yearning to see someone I knew. I tapped my feet impatiently.
" Excuse me miss, is the seat taken?" An exaggeratedly polite request made by a most familiar voice lifted my heart.
HH dumped her books on the table, burying my worksheets and that awful feeling of despair.
I first met HH in RGS days when we were both sitting miserably in the field in the blazing sun, melting while we waited for our sec 4 mass dance captain to devise another devious way to embarrass us in front of the school on sports day. The rest of our interaction in RGS simply involved greeting each other on the corridors of level 2. It's hard to imagine that a few years down the road, I would grow to view her as one of my best friends and confidants. I think I do believe in karma. Like my shi fu says, it's hard to explain how you take to certain people more than others. Our friendship bloomed from nothing more than a couple of emails when I decided to apply to Melbourne Uni. But since I"ve arrived in Melbourne, she's taken me under her wing and helped me cope in more ways than one with life. Whether it's studying in the lib till late at night, or running amok in Victoria markets on Saturday morning, having "sleepovers" that see us sacrificing our homework for a night of guitar playing and singing or panicking in the doom and gloom of the exams, her bubbly yet sensible nature has helped me pull through. She's an utter angel, and the only fault i can find in her is her ( and my tendency) to oversleep on Saturday mornings :) . It's hard to find such a good friend in such a short time and I must say that I"m extremely blessed that she's here. I 've no idea how i'm going to cope when she's gone next year...
" Fisherman's friend?" she held up the packet of sweets.
Nah, I didn't need a fisherman's friend, I already had one.
.. and the loneliness was long gone
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Our Date with Weight
Most girls are never satisfied with their body. I'm no acception. I find myself staring often at the mirror, and wondering why my face is so chubby, desparing over my none-existant waistline and thunderous thighs. The only part I'm satisfied with is probably my arms, but the muscle tone is fading fast. It's hard to believe that when i was 12 years old, I was always in danger of being grossly underweight. Right now, I can only just moan and groan over the breakneck speed at which my adipose cells are growing.
I"ve been constantly trying to diet. But it isn't working because I have chronic gastric and any attempt to starve myself into thinness has resulted in my stomach launching an acidic rampage. In light of feeling nauseous and agonised for days at a time, I decided that turning into a whale was less threatening. So much for dieting. I just saw my friend today, who had just shed tons of pounds and was looking extremely sexy and pretty. Looking at my own dumpy body, I longed to be another success story. But I saw how she meticulously selected her food and the caution she took in extracting every last bit of offending animal fat on her chicken and I knew I could never be that disciplined. And besides, I just learnt that we do need fats in our diet for fat soluble vitamins. ( yes yes, a valiant attempt to convince myself that it's ok to eat that oh -so- sinful chicken skin)
I'd given up trying to jog in this awful weather. I nearly got hypothermia the last time I tried to jog on the weekends. So I've taken to doing step aerobics every sundays. And for the rest of the time, I'm going to just watch myself balloon. Farewell waistline!
Most girls are never satisfied with their body. I'm no acception. I find myself staring often at the mirror, and wondering why my face is so chubby, desparing over my none-existant waistline and thunderous thighs. The only part I'm satisfied with is probably my arms, but the muscle tone is fading fast. It's hard to believe that when i was 12 years old, I was always in danger of being grossly underweight. Right now, I can only just moan and groan over the breakneck speed at which my adipose cells are growing.
I"ve been constantly trying to diet. But it isn't working because I have chronic gastric and any attempt to starve myself into thinness has resulted in my stomach launching an acidic rampage. In light of feeling nauseous and agonised for days at a time, I decided that turning into a whale was less threatening. So much for dieting. I just saw my friend today, who had just shed tons of pounds and was looking extremely sexy and pretty. Looking at my own dumpy body, I longed to be another success story. But I saw how she meticulously selected her food and the caution she took in extracting every last bit of offending animal fat on her chicken and I knew I could never be that disciplined. And besides, I just learnt that we do need fats in our diet for fat soluble vitamins. ( yes yes, a valiant attempt to convince myself that it's ok to eat that oh -so- sinful chicken skin)
I'd given up trying to jog in this awful weather. I nearly got hypothermia the last time I tried to jog on the weekends. So I've taken to doing step aerobics every sundays. And for the rest of the time, I'm going to just watch myself balloon. Farewell waistline!
Saturday, July 26, 2003
And you gotta have Faith
Had a really busy day today, was at the temple for prayer session. Today was the beginning of the infamous " Hungry Ghost Festival". But to buddhists, it's the festival of filial piety. The ceremony was quite complicated and very different from the usual dharma function. I was utterly lost in the sutra, which was unusually long. I found my concentration wavering at various points as I plowed through the unfamiliar "fan ti" characters, attempting to extract some meaning from the words as my tongue stumbled over the pronounciation of the words of my so-called native tongue. Before I could figure out where the congregation was in the passage, they started engaging in intricately timed kowtows. For me and some other "newbies", we were left perplexed, utterly wrecking the rhythm of the ceremony. I sent a silent prayer of forgiveness to Shi Jia Mo Ni Fo as I mistimed yet another bow. Fortunately, the last part of the ceremony involved the usual sutras. I heaved a sigh of relieve as I chanted the familiar words with ease. As I have addressed in my previous entry, the draw of the old and familiar does narrow our horizons.
The reverend rounded up with a lesson about the festival and the sutra. It was a really tough talk to translate. I tried to do some mental translation but ended up in a tangle. If it was me, I would have just given up in a tick. But KaiLun., our head translator, took it in his stride. He was fantastic, churning out an excellent translation after the Shi Fu had preached a whole chunky paragraph. It was only after the session, when he was appealing to me to do the next translation, that I found out that he was really really nervous. Translating is definitely no child's play. I've no idea why I even volunteered in the first place. I was pretty excited when I was offered the job. ( However, I was a bit unnerved by the shocked look on Kailun's face when I eagerly took up his offer.)Later I realised the underlying cause of his shock: Translating wasn't easy. In fact, it was almost impossible to pull off. I had bitten off more than what I could chew. My shakey grasp in chinese was simply not enough to provide an adequate translation. I left the non chinese speakers in the congregation utterly bemused, the reverend mildly amused, and me with whatever shreds were left of my confidence. I still recall the horrified look on Trudy's face as she tried valiantly to help me mouth an acceptable english word. I stood there smiling idiotically at the crowd, grasping the mic and feeling a hot flush engulfing my face. All I wanted to do after the talk was bury my face in the chow mian that was being served for lunch. KaiLun tried to assure me I did a okay. I had a few people come up and tell me " great job". All I could muster was a shakey "thank you". I was about to remind them not to violate a precept by lying just to make me feel better. I flatly refused to translate for the 7th month lectures when asked to. In fact, I wanted out totally. But Kailun convinced me to give it another go, so i'm still stuck with the job. Bravery or stupidity? But it did help me get to know the people in the temple much better and I feel much happier when I go for service. Or maybe the reason why I relented was because Kailun's cherubic 17 month old daughter was smiling at me.
I always wondered why people need religion. ( shades of General paper.. ) Religion vs. Science. I did consider myself as an atheist at one point of my life, simply because most religious theories conflicted glaringly with scientific theories, eg. evolution. Since arriving in Melbourne, I decided to clarify my spiritual crisis. I started reading up more, attending the temple services and helping out at the temple on Saturdays.
I've considered buddhism my religion since I was really young mainly because my family observes the practices. But the reasons and origins of those practices have been lost with time and I found myself blindly following traditions and rituals just because I had too. As a teen ( shades of psychology), I decided to look for my own identity. ( I know it sounds very idealistic, like those stuff you read skeptically in articles about parenting your rebellious teen. But hell, it's true.) Coming to Melbourne was a good opportunity for me to rediscover the connection with my religion. Through the dharma talks and functions and my own readings, I've come to understand the different practices and learnt to question them. I can't say I believe everything in buddhism and the great thing is that it's perfectly alright! The great Buddha himself encouraged questioning of his teachings. I think I need some more time to accept his dharma, but for the moment, I'm just starting to appreciate it bit by bit. The peace that sweeps over me during the chanting of the sutras is indescribable. I guess some of us do need a greater being to guide us and to give us spiritual strength. Becoming a more active buddhist has certainly given my life more direction. I look forward to sessions on Saturday and the activities that arise. Translating for the reverends has also forced me to read up more and help fuel my interest in Buddhism. I"ve also found that i'm a lot closer to my culture than before as many buddhist teachings use traditional tales to get the message across. And I think i've learnt something else too, to have faith in myself.... in my beliefs and in my abilities. I pray I can do the next translation without confusing the whole congregation again. May Buddha give me the strength to help others understand his teachings. Na Mo Shi Jia Mo Ni Fo. Na Mo Guan Shi Yin Pu Sa.
Had a really busy day today, was at the temple for prayer session. Today was the beginning of the infamous " Hungry Ghost Festival". But to buddhists, it's the festival of filial piety. The ceremony was quite complicated and very different from the usual dharma function. I was utterly lost in the sutra, which was unusually long. I found my concentration wavering at various points as I plowed through the unfamiliar "fan ti" characters, attempting to extract some meaning from the words as my tongue stumbled over the pronounciation of the words of my so-called native tongue. Before I could figure out where the congregation was in the passage, they started engaging in intricately timed kowtows. For me and some other "newbies", we were left perplexed, utterly wrecking the rhythm of the ceremony. I sent a silent prayer of forgiveness to Shi Jia Mo Ni Fo as I mistimed yet another bow. Fortunately, the last part of the ceremony involved the usual sutras. I heaved a sigh of relieve as I chanted the familiar words with ease. As I have addressed in my previous entry, the draw of the old and familiar does narrow our horizons.
The reverend rounded up with a lesson about the festival and the sutra. It was a really tough talk to translate. I tried to do some mental translation but ended up in a tangle. If it was me, I would have just given up in a tick. But KaiLun., our head translator, took it in his stride. He was fantastic, churning out an excellent translation after the Shi Fu had preached a whole chunky paragraph. It was only after the session, when he was appealing to me to do the next translation, that I found out that he was really really nervous. Translating is definitely no child's play. I've no idea why I even volunteered in the first place. I was pretty excited when I was offered the job. ( However, I was a bit unnerved by the shocked look on Kailun's face when I eagerly took up his offer.)Later I realised the underlying cause of his shock: Translating wasn't easy. In fact, it was almost impossible to pull off. I had bitten off more than what I could chew. My shakey grasp in chinese was simply not enough to provide an adequate translation. I left the non chinese speakers in the congregation utterly bemused, the reverend mildly amused, and me with whatever shreds were left of my confidence. I still recall the horrified look on Trudy's face as she tried valiantly to help me mouth an acceptable english word. I stood there smiling idiotically at the crowd, grasping the mic and feeling a hot flush engulfing my face. All I wanted to do after the talk was bury my face in the chow mian that was being served for lunch. KaiLun tried to assure me I did a okay. I had a few people come up and tell me " great job". All I could muster was a shakey "thank you". I was about to remind them not to violate a precept by lying just to make me feel better. I flatly refused to translate for the 7th month lectures when asked to. In fact, I wanted out totally. But Kailun convinced me to give it another go, so i'm still stuck with the job. Bravery or stupidity? But it did help me get to know the people in the temple much better and I feel much happier when I go for service. Or maybe the reason why I relented was because Kailun's cherubic 17 month old daughter was smiling at me.
I always wondered why people need religion. ( shades of General paper.. ) Religion vs. Science. I did consider myself as an atheist at one point of my life, simply because most religious theories conflicted glaringly with scientific theories, eg. evolution. Since arriving in Melbourne, I decided to clarify my spiritual crisis. I started reading up more, attending the temple services and helping out at the temple on Saturdays.
I've considered buddhism my religion since I was really young mainly because my family observes the practices. But the reasons and origins of those practices have been lost with time and I found myself blindly following traditions and rituals just because I had too. As a teen ( shades of psychology), I decided to look for my own identity. ( I know it sounds very idealistic, like those stuff you read skeptically in articles about parenting your rebellious teen. But hell, it's true.) Coming to Melbourne was a good opportunity for me to rediscover the connection with my religion. Through the dharma talks and functions and my own readings, I've come to understand the different practices and learnt to question them. I can't say I believe everything in buddhism and the great thing is that it's perfectly alright! The great Buddha himself encouraged questioning of his teachings. I think I need some more time to accept his dharma, but for the moment, I'm just starting to appreciate it bit by bit. The peace that sweeps over me during the chanting of the sutras is indescribable. I guess some of us do need a greater being to guide us and to give us spiritual strength. Becoming a more active buddhist has certainly given my life more direction. I look forward to sessions on Saturday and the activities that arise. Translating for the reverends has also forced me to read up more and help fuel my interest in Buddhism. I"ve also found that i'm a lot closer to my culture than before as many buddhist teachings use traditional tales to get the message across. And I think i've learnt something else too, to have faith in myself.... in my beliefs and in my abilities. I pray I can do the next translation without confusing the whole congregation again. May Buddha give me the strength to help others understand his teachings. Na Mo Shi Jia Mo Ni Fo. Na Mo Guan Shi Yin Pu Sa.
Friday, July 25, 2003
Addiction
I'm a hard core addict of that little wooden instrument that resides in my apartment. ( it's not supposed to be there actually, for it shatters the peace in the block, adding to the cacophony of blaring radios, but hell, what diff does it make? My guitar can't hold a candle to their volume) It's a mellow instrument, but each chord produced is pure joy. I just fall madly in love with the unique melodies that issue from the touch of my finger ( Although they might sound like utter crap to the expert ear) Never have I felt such passion when i play the piano. Many a times, when I'm frustrated by the piles of work that pile contemptuously on my desk, I'll pick up my dear guitar, shut my eyes and submerge myself in the warm comforting embrace of songs. Time and place would vanish instantly, along with my worries and that lousy pile of homework. It's pure ecstacy.
No one can slip away from its grasp. Once you try it, you're hooked. Many of my friends who twanged it have been instantly entranced by its sheer charm. You try it. you'll see what I mean.
" there's no portable instrument that is such a potent symbol of boho spirit" ( Chun Ghee's take on the guitar)
I'm a hard core addict of that little wooden instrument that resides in my apartment. ( it's not supposed to be there actually, for it shatters the peace in the block, adding to the cacophony of blaring radios, but hell, what diff does it make? My guitar can't hold a candle to their volume) It's a mellow instrument, but each chord produced is pure joy. I just fall madly in love with the unique melodies that issue from the touch of my finger ( Although they might sound like utter crap to the expert ear) Never have I felt such passion when i play the piano. Many a times, when I'm frustrated by the piles of work that pile contemptuously on my desk, I'll pick up my dear guitar, shut my eyes and submerge myself in the warm comforting embrace of songs. Time and place would vanish instantly, along with my worries and that lousy pile of homework. It's pure ecstacy.
No one can slip away from its grasp. Once you try it, you're hooked. Many of my friends who twanged it have been instantly entranced by its sheer charm. You try it. you'll see what I mean.
" there's no portable instrument that is such a potent symbol of boho spirit" ( Chun Ghee's take on the guitar)
Sunday, July 20, 2003
"Love thy neighbour as you love thyself"- Of noise and neighbours.
I was in the midst of preparing dinner for Luana and me when I received a call from Sara who invited me over for a chat. Abandoning my kitchen ( which looked like an overenthusiastic typhoon had just swept through) I crossed the landing and was delighted to see my other neighbour, Wan come through the security door to receive me.
Once we were in Sara's room, Wan started complaining big time about the girl next door whoes room was sandwiched between hers and Sara's. Apparently the lass comes home in the dead of the night dead drunk, sings tunelessly for a few hours into the wee hours and ends with the grand finale of endless retching in the toilet. " I wanna go slap her," Wan muttered darkly. " Unfortunately, she has that boyfriend of hers who is always behind her,backing her up." Sara smiled wanely and added that that the girl would often visit the neighbour on Sara's left to gossip BIG time about Sara and how much Sara complained about the racket that issued everynight. All this despite the fact that Sara was the one losing sleep. DOesn't help that they are both from Thailand and the neighbour commands a pretty colourful Thai vocab list which is entirely comprehensible to poor Sara.
Wan was positively fuming. " I swear I"m going to break my bond," she pointed a finger at the offending wall. I reminded her that it wasn't so easy to leave the contract. My poor long suffering neighbours were not the only ones with complains about the place I was staying in. I spent my first semester stuffing my ears with ear plugs in a valiant attempt to block out my neighbours pounding bass super woofer, the loud guffaws of drunkards who flooded the road from the pubs every weekend as well as the incessant, tuneless warbling issueing from the pub across the road on a nightly basis. I tried at first to remind my neighbour about the noise pollution. He was a nice guy and apologied profusely everytime I came over. But after a few days of quiet, the racket would start again. The disturbance was more due to his super woofer than the volume of his music. I hated to go over and complain half the time because I didn't want to sour relations. I complained incessantly to Luana and Wan, but now I realise how lucky I am to have 2 pleasant, albeit a tad inconsiderate, immediate neighbours. For when I complain to my neighbour, he graciously says sorry and obliges to my demands. However, I've taken to studying in the library to avoid future confrontations. My parents are freaking about the fact that I'm coming home at 12am in the dead of the night. They much rather I fail my exams then have me pulverised on the street.
Luana's neighbour plays football in his room everynight, leaving Luana to fear for her glass window which was continuous with his. Well if he's not living out his football fantasies, he's kicking his girlfriend around. Wan's neighbour on the right bangs on the adjoining wall for kicks, shouts expletives and pounds on her door for no reason.
" We are all dying to move out," I chuckled bitterly. " We pay a shit load of cash for this joint and we're all dying to move out because our neighbours give us hell."
Wan's mother had to come down to give their neighbour a dressing gown because it is considered improper for 2 younger girls to reprimand an older Thai girl. A formidable and dignified looking lady, she had been prowling the lobby downstairs for 2 days and glowering at every girl that walked to the lift. Quite unnerving actually.
" The bible says:' Love thy neighbour as you love thyself'," Sara quipped later on when Luana had joined us for a late night movie. " But I can't bring myself to." Luana and I looked at each other and shrugged helplessly.
A guest speaker at the temple spoke about the discrepencies between expectations of people which leads to conflict. So I guess i shouldn't rage at my neighbour because the music is being played at what he considers a tolerable level. However, I don't feel very angelic at the moment. Guess I'm not your typical placid buddhist. :P Got a long way ahead to mental cultivation.
What do you do when you live in such close quarters, which such inconsiderate souls who make life a living hell for you and can hear your every complain through the paper thin walls?
The chinese saying goes: Yuan qing bu ru jing ling. In times of trouble, your relatives who dwell far away are no match for your neighbours.
Yeah right. Too bad, the trouble in your friendly neighbourhood is being brewed by the very people you're suppose to turn to.
I was in the midst of preparing dinner for Luana and me when I received a call from Sara who invited me over for a chat. Abandoning my kitchen ( which looked like an overenthusiastic typhoon had just swept through) I crossed the landing and was delighted to see my other neighbour, Wan come through the security door to receive me.
Once we were in Sara's room, Wan started complaining big time about the girl next door whoes room was sandwiched between hers and Sara's. Apparently the lass comes home in the dead of the night dead drunk, sings tunelessly for a few hours into the wee hours and ends with the grand finale of endless retching in the toilet. " I wanna go slap her," Wan muttered darkly. " Unfortunately, she has that boyfriend of hers who is always behind her,backing her up." Sara smiled wanely and added that that the girl would often visit the neighbour on Sara's left to gossip BIG time about Sara and how much Sara complained about the racket that issued everynight. All this despite the fact that Sara was the one losing sleep. DOesn't help that they are both from Thailand and the neighbour commands a pretty colourful Thai vocab list which is entirely comprehensible to poor Sara.
Wan was positively fuming. " I swear I"m going to break my bond," she pointed a finger at the offending wall. I reminded her that it wasn't so easy to leave the contract. My poor long suffering neighbours were not the only ones with complains about the place I was staying in. I spent my first semester stuffing my ears with ear plugs in a valiant attempt to block out my neighbours pounding bass super woofer, the loud guffaws of drunkards who flooded the road from the pubs every weekend as well as the incessant, tuneless warbling issueing from the pub across the road on a nightly basis. I tried at first to remind my neighbour about the noise pollution. He was a nice guy and apologied profusely everytime I came over. But after a few days of quiet, the racket would start again. The disturbance was more due to his super woofer than the volume of his music. I hated to go over and complain half the time because I didn't want to sour relations. I complained incessantly to Luana and Wan, but now I realise how lucky I am to have 2 pleasant, albeit a tad inconsiderate, immediate neighbours. For when I complain to my neighbour, he graciously says sorry and obliges to my demands. However, I've taken to studying in the library to avoid future confrontations. My parents are freaking about the fact that I'm coming home at 12am in the dead of the night. They much rather I fail my exams then have me pulverised on the street.
Luana's neighbour plays football in his room everynight, leaving Luana to fear for her glass window which was continuous with his. Well if he's not living out his football fantasies, he's kicking his girlfriend around. Wan's neighbour on the right bangs on the adjoining wall for kicks, shouts expletives and pounds on her door for no reason.
" We are all dying to move out," I chuckled bitterly. " We pay a shit load of cash for this joint and we're all dying to move out because our neighbours give us hell."
Wan's mother had to come down to give their neighbour a dressing gown because it is considered improper for 2 younger girls to reprimand an older Thai girl. A formidable and dignified looking lady, she had been prowling the lobby downstairs for 2 days and glowering at every girl that walked to the lift. Quite unnerving actually.
" The bible says:' Love thy neighbour as you love thyself'," Sara quipped later on when Luana had joined us for a late night movie. " But I can't bring myself to." Luana and I looked at each other and shrugged helplessly.
A guest speaker at the temple spoke about the discrepencies between expectations of people which leads to conflict. So I guess i shouldn't rage at my neighbour because the music is being played at what he considers a tolerable level. However, I don't feel very angelic at the moment. Guess I'm not your typical placid buddhist. :P Got a long way ahead to mental cultivation.
What do you do when you live in such close quarters, which such inconsiderate souls who make life a living hell for you and can hear your every complain through the paper thin walls?
The chinese saying goes: Yuan qing bu ru jing ling. In times of trouble, your relatives who dwell far away are no match for your neighbours.
Yeah right. Too bad, the trouble in your friendly neighbourhood is being brewed by the very people you're suppose to turn to.
Friday, July 18, 2003
Who Knows best?
The whole storm of controversy surrounding Ladin and Laleh is slowly dying out. But I would like to put in my 2 cents worth of musing. It seems just like human nature to condemn a groundbreaking albeit unsucessful operation simply because it failed. The critics would have remained silent if the operation was a success. We like to look good, don't we? The issue is a sticky one, and the one who has the strongest stand will be the side which is backed with evidence- the failure of the operation. It was a risky operation, but the doctors decided to respect the patient's decision and that was the outcome. Who has to take the blame now? Raffles hospital has been accused of wanting to gain glory for the op despite human lives being placed on the line. But we forget the 2 main players in this game of life and death... the twins. The doctors shouldn't have to bear the brunt of the accusations, if they are fair enough to be warrented in the first place.
It's patient autonomy vs beneficience. The other doctors the twins had seen picked the latter, the Singaporean team chose to respect the former. The twins told of the terrible state of their quality of life. My heart went out to them as I read about how they tried, as children, to run in opposite directions in a childish, but desperate attempt to seperate themselves. We're bequeathed with this transient state of existence called life. Is a life worth "living" if it is a wretched one? Isn't the decision of what to do with our life our's? We could go with the buddhist philosophy that "I" does not exist. So who decides then? Who else possesses a more intimate knowledge of your life?
My friend H points out that the foster father of the twins had advised them against the op, simply because it was possible for them to continue existing in their present state, but the twins placed their happiness above the risks they would face. They left this world while being estrangled from the man who had loved them and cared for them for most of their lives. THeir departure has generated so much grief. Was it worth it?
This case runs parallel to the issue of euthanesia. The government has allowed the operation to take place, and for the twins to take their life into their hands. Why not the same for people who wish for a humane way to end their lives because they can no longer take the misery that comes with it? You might argue that they might make an irrational decision in their desperation to leave pain behind. But it's their pain, is it not? We can advise them, offer them alternatives, counsel them etc.. but are we right in keeping them alive in so much agony? My friend H argues that it is impossible to discuss the issue of the twins in line with euthanesia because their major goal was not death, but to live. My view was that their ultimate goal was to be happy.. Death and life, they are both choices.Should doctors respect that decision in viewof the medical consequences? If we accept euthanesia and legalise it, people might view it as a responsiblity to die because they are a drain on resources. Humans have an uncanny ability to twist their liberties to fit their purposes. So the governments choose to ignore the issue of euthanesia to avoid the cascade of problems that will follow. Perhaps just putting this problem away is the best path to go.
The whole storm of controversy surrounding Ladin and Laleh is slowly dying out. But I would like to put in my 2 cents worth of musing. It seems just like human nature to condemn a groundbreaking albeit unsucessful operation simply because it failed. The critics would have remained silent if the operation was a success. We like to look good, don't we? The issue is a sticky one, and the one who has the strongest stand will be the side which is backed with evidence- the failure of the operation. It was a risky operation, but the doctors decided to respect the patient's decision and that was the outcome. Who has to take the blame now? Raffles hospital has been accused of wanting to gain glory for the op despite human lives being placed on the line. But we forget the 2 main players in this game of life and death... the twins. The doctors shouldn't have to bear the brunt of the accusations, if they are fair enough to be warrented in the first place.
It's patient autonomy vs beneficience. The other doctors the twins had seen picked the latter, the Singaporean team chose to respect the former. The twins told of the terrible state of their quality of life. My heart went out to them as I read about how they tried, as children, to run in opposite directions in a childish, but desperate attempt to seperate themselves. We're bequeathed with this transient state of existence called life. Is a life worth "living" if it is a wretched one? Isn't the decision of what to do with our life our's? We could go with the buddhist philosophy that "I" does not exist. So who decides then? Who else possesses a more intimate knowledge of your life?
My friend H points out that the foster father of the twins had advised them against the op, simply because it was possible for them to continue existing in their present state, but the twins placed their happiness above the risks they would face. They left this world while being estrangled from the man who had loved them and cared for them for most of their lives. THeir departure has generated so much grief. Was it worth it?
This case runs parallel to the issue of euthanesia. The government has allowed the operation to take place, and for the twins to take their life into their hands. Why not the same for people who wish for a humane way to end their lives because they can no longer take the misery that comes with it? You might argue that they might make an irrational decision in their desperation to leave pain behind. But it's their pain, is it not? We can advise them, offer them alternatives, counsel them etc.. but are we right in keeping them alive in so much agony? My friend H argues that it is impossible to discuss the issue of the twins in line with euthanesia because their major goal was not death, but to live. My view was that their ultimate goal was to be happy.. Death and life, they are both choices.Should doctors respect that decision in viewof the medical consequences? If we accept euthanesia and legalise it, people might view it as a responsiblity to die because they are a drain on resources. Humans have an uncanny ability to twist their liberties to fit their purposes. So the governments choose to ignore the issue of euthanesia to avoid the cascade of problems that will follow. Perhaps just putting this problem away is the best path to go.
Back to the City
The question I get so often is " Why Melbourne? Why overseas? " Mom claims I sound happy over the phone (as apposed to the inconsolable girl that was sobbing on the phone 6 months back). I was merrily grinning when I left at the airport. I hate to mislead anyone into having the notion that I'm utterly deviod of any affection for Singapore. Behind that grin where the usual uncertainties and a strange sense of loneliness. I certainly miss my best friends in Singapore and wish fervently that I could smuggle them in my luggage over to Melbourne. However I must say honestly that although I crave the stability of the friendships I've already established, I also yearn for a new environment and a chance to discover new friends.
Perhaps the reason why I feel comfortable in Melbourne is because I don't have a fascination with the omnipresent chinese serials in Singapore. My shakey grasp of the Chinese language and my lack of interest in all things associated with it probably works to my advantage here. But I don't find that I'm losing my identity as pseudo singaporean. I still speak brashly in Singlish with my friends in our time together. To the angmohs, I have to speak unblemished English to promote better comprehension, but I don't find it so much of a chore because I usually communicate with them only in class. Even in Singapore, I highly doubt the tutor will be amused if I ventured an opinion peppered with "las" and "lors". And no, i'm not utterly trying to escape from my roots. My buddhist classes are held in Chinese, and I 've found that I actually enjoy the language more and more.
I guess I do miss having a family to dwell with. It gets quiet here without my sister to gossip with at night, without my brother telling me various anecdotes and without my parents to listen to my verbal diarrhea. I do call my friends in SIngapore but perhaps much less frequently. It's a very quiet life but I've had fun in the last semester be it hanging out or getting lost in a mountain range with my clique, mugging and freaking out with HH, gossiping till the wee hours with Ivy, or simply attending dharma functions and university.
Melbourne no longer seems like a strange, bewildering land. It feels welcoming because I know that that there will be people there waiting for me and more will arrive soon after. And if all failed, I would be seeing my friends back home in 4 months time. Perhaps that was the reason why I left Singapore with a smile.
The question I get so often is " Why Melbourne? Why overseas? " Mom claims I sound happy over the phone (as apposed to the inconsolable girl that was sobbing on the phone 6 months back). I was merrily grinning when I left at the airport. I hate to mislead anyone into having the notion that I'm utterly deviod of any affection for Singapore. Behind that grin where the usual uncertainties and a strange sense of loneliness. I certainly miss my best friends in Singapore and wish fervently that I could smuggle them in my luggage over to Melbourne. However I must say honestly that although I crave the stability of the friendships I've already established, I also yearn for a new environment and a chance to discover new friends.
Perhaps the reason why I feel comfortable in Melbourne is because I don't have a fascination with the omnipresent chinese serials in Singapore. My shakey grasp of the Chinese language and my lack of interest in all things associated with it probably works to my advantage here. But I don't find that I'm losing my identity as pseudo singaporean. I still speak brashly in Singlish with my friends in our time together. To the angmohs, I have to speak unblemished English to promote better comprehension, but I don't find it so much of a chore because I usually communicate with them only in class. Even in Singapore, I highly doubt the tutor will be amused if I ventured an opinion peppered with "las" and "lors". And no, i'm not utterly trying to escape from my roots. My buddhist classes are held in Chinese, and I 've found that I actually enjoy the language more and more.
I guess I do miss having a family to dwell with. It gets quiet here without my sister to gossip with at night, without my brother telling me various anecdotes and without my parents to listen to my verbal diarrhea. I do call my friends in SIngapore but perhaps much less frequently. It's a very quiet life but I've had fun in the last semester be it hanging out or getting lost in a mountain range with my clique, mugging and freaking out with HH, gossiping till the wee hours with Ivy, or simply attending dharma functions and university.
Melbourne no longer seems like a strange, bewildering land. It feels welcoming because I know that that there will be people there waiting for me and more will arrive soon after. And if all failed, I would be seeing my friends back home in 4 months time. Perhaps that was the reason why I left Singapore with a smile.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
Exclusively Left on Ze SHelf
I've just arrived back in Melbourne. The visit back to Singapore felt like a dream. During the first week of my return to Singapore, I felt so left out. Everyone seems to have moved on and found a significant other. It's scary to come home and find that you're one of the 3 swinging single females in the class which originally had an incredible number of bachelorettes and bachelors at the beginning of the year. Welcome to the eLots club. Exclusively Left on the Shelf. Why the sad case? I just can't seem to find Mr. Right. Was going out with someone earlier this year but I pulled out because I found that I couldn't avoid the fact that 1) my grades were looking more and more like crap, 2)I was neglecting my friends and 3)the fact that I couldn't accept that he was not as ambitious as I'd like him to be. So I asked for a break to rethink our relationship, and after much deliberation, finally slipped back into the ranks of singledom. Mom's already starting to hint that she would like to take up the temporary job of matchmaking as she watches me fast approaching the big 2 'Os and realises to her horror that I am still single as a nose. The shelf life for females is drearily short and I'm moving fast towards the expiration date. Sharing my place on the shelf are my best friends, who see no point in finding a significant other. Their reasons range from the craving for pure independence to hard core feminism. For me, I'm just utterly undesirable. I seem doomed for shortlived, unsatisfying relationships.
My fellow eLotter HH assures me that there is nothing wrong at being single. She tells me that being single forces you to be independent and an altogther stronger person. I must say that having zilch relationships has allowed me to spend more time with my friends, has removed lots of distractions and has given me the chance to think and act decisively without having the expectation that I've someone to lean on. I agree with her with a burning feminist passion, which is probably why I can't find my better half. I shy away from relationships because I'm afraid to commit and terrified of hurting people by telling them the truth about the qualities they possess that I can't accept. It would be unfair to force someone to conform to your expectations. I had rather hold my silence at the expense of my own happiness, which results in me losing interest in the relationship, ditto for crushes ( which definitely number more than dates).
Sigh, despite consoling myself and mummy dearest with the fact that I still have about 10 years till ultimate expiration, I can't help feel wistful as I watch my friends abandon me for their significant others. Perhaps I should watch the movie Down with love one more time... DOwn with love and UP with chocolate :). Too bad, there is no ewan mcgregor ( swoon) look -alike to sweep me off my feet.
Monday, July 14, 2003
Met Auntie Elaine and Co. on the way out for dinner. As expected, they launched into a conversation centering on my overseas medicine education. Ever since I returned to Singapore in the wake of the SIA retrenchments, I've been pelted from all angles with snide enquires about my financial state. " I'm managing," I politely reply. " She's happy, the parents' aren'nt," My mom jokingly said as she shot a meaningful glance at me.
" They are just concerned," she assured me when i remarked that it was the umpteenth time I had heard the question. Well, maybe I have the bad habit of thinking the worst of people and reading too much into their comments. Don't get me wrong, I don't get unreasonably irritated when I hear friends ask me about my situation. I appreciate their genuine concern. But it is those people whom I don't know well who have the audicity to throw in that demeaning tone that clearly spells out the words " You are obviously too inferior to get into the local uni so you take off with a M & F ( Mother and father) scholarship to study med at that sorry excuse of a uni," who irk me. .
Here's what I got at my recent dental checkup...
Dentist: " So where are you studying?"
Me :" Medicine at Melbourne Uni."
Dentist:" Ah hah, you didn't get into NUS is it?"
( At this point he had jammed a device into my mouth while I was trying to sputter out a defence)
Dentist ( smugly) :" Most people who can't get in do that..."
People in Melu Med who failed to get into NUS certainly have intellect and personalities far more desirable than some of the local medical students I know. And so what if they failed to get into NUS? We will all graduate as doctors. I highly doubt a patient lying on death's door would suddenly stir on the operating table, enquire about the education their surgeon had received and walk out because they feel that the doctor is uncompetent. Or perhaps they might...
" They are just concerned," she assured me when i remarked that it was the umpteenth time I had heard the question. Well, maybe I have the bad habit of thinking the worst of people and reading too much into their comments. Don't get me wrong, I don't get unreasonably irritated when I hear friends ask me about my situation. I appreciate their genuine concern. But it is those people whom I don't know well who have the audicity to throw in that demeaning tone that clearly spells out the words " You are obviously too inferior to get into the local uni so you take off with a M & F ( Mother and father) scholarship to study med at that sorry excuse of a uni," who irk me. .
Here's what I got at my recent dental checkup...
Dentist: " So where are you studying?"
Me :" Medicine at Melbourne Uni."
Dentist:" Ah hah, you didn't get into NUS is it?"
( At this point he had jammed a device into my mouth while I was trying to sputter out a defence)
Dentist ( smugly) :" Most people who can't get in do that..."
People in Melu Med who failed to get into NUS certainly have intellect and personalities far more desirable than some of the local medical students I know. And so what if they failed to get into NUS? We will all graduate as doctors. I highly doubt a patient lying on death's door would suddenly stir on the operating table, enquire about the education their surgeon had received and walk out because they feel that the doctor is uncompetent. Or perhaps they might...
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Dad just got hold of the video of the RJC teacher scolding the pupil. I felt so sorry for the object of the teacher's fury, but I must say that I condemn the act of putting the video out on the web. A lack of selfcontrol and emotions is a common human failing and it is completely unethical to broadcast a teacher in her moment of rage without her knowledge. And judging from the video, I assume that the pupil was a tardy one and had provoked the teacher's outburst by handing in a piece of work which was utter deviod of the standard expected by the teacher. Perhaps she was wrong to lose her temper and berate the boy so badly, but the only point I felt that she throughly went overboard was when she labled him a " Sly, Crafty, Rat." Teachers are sometimes expected to possess an extraordinary amount of patience, a quality so glaringly lacking in many of us. And at a time like this with the economy on a merry downward spiral, more and more people have been seen turning to teaching as a job, but many of these teachers actually lack the passion for the job and show disinterest in the student's welfare. This teacher in the video was concerned enough about the student's progress to haul him up and give him dressing gown. I feel that her actions have been judged too harshly. She could have just given him a dreadful mark and returned the paper without a hoot but she had the student's interest at heart to push away the notion of " shutting one eye". However, it could be argured that she was concerned because if the class failed to perform up to expectations, her teaching methods might come under scrutiny. Either way, it's still a lot of pressure on the teacher. From reading posts by bw, the guy who posted the video on the web, I can deduce that the teacher isn't a very well liked soul in RjC. Perhaps he wanted to make the video just for evidence at her doubious teaching methods... I'm not too clear about his intentions, neither am I familiar with how the teacher usually conducts her classes. However, I am definitely against the fact of revealing a person in her worst moments to the public without her knowledge. Imagine the mortification she and that pupil would have to suffer because of the circulation of the video. I feel sad that a pupil from my ex JC would actually air the school's dirty laundry in public. Electronic devices are here to stay, and it is up to us to use our descretion to prevent abuse of the devices.
Alrightey. I FINALLY found a template that I liked. Prob is I don't really know what to do with it next or how to get those cute little blinkie thingies inside.
Well... just in case the little "xtra Moi" description is not enough to sate your curiosity of moi, let me include a little more info about the elusive xtra me. The initials of moi name are XL, in case you're wondering why I have an obsession of oversized propotions. I'm studying at the Uni Melbourne and I'm back for the vacation. couple more days and I'm be jet setting back downunder to begin my new school term. I used to do gymnastics in secondary school, fell headlong into the wonderful world of acappella warbling. I fantasize of staying in a galaxy far far away and I'm rediscovering the joy of Buddhism. And now, on to the blog proper!
Well... just in case the little "xtra Moi" description is not enough to sate your curiosity of moi, let me include a little more info about the elusive xtra me. The initials of moi name are XL, in case you're wondering why I have an obsession of oversized propotions. I'm studying at the Uni Melbourne and I'm back for the vacation. couple more days and I'm be jet setting back downunder to begin my new school term. I used to do gymnastics in secondary school, fell headlong into the wonderful world of acappella warbling. I fantasize of staying in a galaxy far far away and I'm rediscovering the joy of Buddhism. And now, on to the blog proper!
